Been too long

This is not the way to develop a cult following. Ok, I guess I should be honest, this isn’t to develop a following. I use this to share a bit about me, my life, my kids and my day to day struggles. If people interact with me, that’s awesome, and I’d totally welcome it.

I have been working to find balance in my day to day life. It’s not easy. I feel like I wear too many hats some times. I feel like I must be busy or I’m not doing enough/not enough/slacking and add more adjectives here. With this in mind, well, this is what my life has looked like over the last month or 2.

I love my job. Seriously, I couldn’t ask for a better job. I set my own hours, as long as I get my work finished I can work from home or the office (or wherever, really). The owner of the company is amazing. I gotta tell you, for someone that struggles with feeling like enough, having someone hand pick you for a job at her start up business feels amazing.

I had 2 jobs until last week. I decided that one of them had to go. I was staying because I liked some of the people, but the job wasn’t fulfilling, and neither was the pay check. When I say the job wasn’t fulfilling, well, it was because I couldn’t do my job. I was getting no feedback, nothing to work with, and when I did get the input I needed the managers didn’t hold up their end. I had to walk away, my name and rep are on the line and refuse to let that association bring me down. With that said, they are great people, and I’d like to stay in contact, but I can not work for them.

I have 2 teenagers. One has been sick with Mono. He was diagnosed at the beginning of March and missed the entire month of school. He has also missed other days due to it kinda flaring up, lingering headaches and pain. He has also had ongoing issues with his liver and spleen being enlarged. So, no gym class for him. It’s been a long almost few months between Dr visits and life in general working through the illness for him.

My oldest has a new girl friend. This has been interesting, but good. We like this girl so very much. Everyone in our house does. She is over most days and seems to like us back. I want so much for things to work out well for them, right now my biggest fear is that they won’t and he will stay with her out of an unwillingness to make his family unhappy. He’s just that kind of kid. I hope that he can separate the two. He is genuinely happy right now, and I believe he will stay that way, but I am a Queen of Worst Case Scenarios. So… Wish me luck?

I also have a pre teen daughter. She’s super smart and creative. She is also super emotional. She is so in tuned with her feelings most of the time, too. She and I had a discussion last night. She told me about how she always felt like she knew who she wanted to be. She wanted to be the person that could be counted on by everyone. But, then she also wanted to be the person that didn’t need anyone. She felt she was content to bottle up all things and handle it all herself. She doesn’t want to ask for help. She knows that it’s not healthy. She is also realizing that bottling it all in is creating a cycle (her words btw) that cause drama, which she doesn’t want. We discussed ways to break the cycle. She’s got a journal and I asked her to take to writing the things down that bother her. She doesn’t want to, because she feels like she’s talking bad about her friends then. Ok, how to fix that? Well, I asked her if she calls them names when she is mad. She says no. I had to explain that if you are just stating what happened then it isn’t speaking badly, it is putting to words an event. If she says focused on facts then it’s all good. No name calling, to which she adamantly stated she would never (which I believe) because even though they would never see it she would hate to thing of how it would hurt their feelings. But to sum up this chaotic swirl she feels lost. I tried to explain to her I understood, that I have for years shifted between feeling like I know what I’m doing and who I am to being lost and drowning. I hope she feels better about things today. It’s hard being 10. I know when I was home or out with friends that age was great, but at school it was some circle of Hell. I remind her that she can always come to me, but I hope she truly realizes it.

Along with all of these things and the day to day chaos of living in a family of 5 (feels like 6 with the girl friend there) and taking care of our pets I am constantly being told to relax and take it easy. This loops back to that first paragraph. I don’t know how, and this is a problem. I have been diagnosed (many, many years ago) with fibromyalgia as well as arthritis in my spine, hands and knees. Medically, I’m a mess. Some days because of everything in life I’m also a mess mentally, but I scrape myself back up every day and keep going. What else should I do? I can’t give up or give in, I’ve done that before. It doesn’t work. So, here we are. I’m taking things a day at a time, and doing my best.

If you have any insights I’d love to hear them. Maybe you have the magic words to put it all into perspective. But, I’ll write again. Also, if you’re so inclined I did create a Face Book page for this blog. I don’t update it as often as I should, but I’m getting better. Here’s the link if you want to head over HERE and like it.

Thanks for reading my ramblings today,

-The Purple Hippo


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